mom, dad, I’m bi
bilingual haha hasta luego bitches
Stickin ur feet in a river is cleansing. You just roll up your pant legs and step into the stream. Bam. You’re a new man.
*cartoon sleeping noises* snnnnork mimimimimi
i knew in the 2nd grade that standardized testing was bullshit. harry potter book 4 had just come out and i was at a good part. harry had just put his name into the goblet of fire.
during the standardized test, we were allowed to keep a post-test book on our desk. i diligently got started on part 1: english. at the time, all of the answers went on the same sheet, but all of the questions were in different booklets. so i finish all my english questions, read in my extra time, and then it’s part 2: math.
i realize i have answered all of my english questions on the math portion of the answer sheet. at first, annoyed but undeterred, i’m like. okay great i gotta erase every bubble. but i get bored around question 5 of doing this because… like… harry potter is sitting on my desk and i could just give them the wrong answers. so i answer maybe 10 whole questions in the math portion, copy the english answers over to where they actually belong, and then crack open the book and call it a day.
i obviously failed. this is the real life, not a movie. my parents were called in. i had scored in the lowest percentile. i was bad at math. i was concerningly bad at math. i could have done better just guessing than how i did with the english answers.
if this was just a funny story, someone would ask me “why did you do so badly when you usually get fairly average grades” and i would have said “i wanted to read harry potter, not take this stupid test.” but it’s the real life, and nobody asked. instead, i was branded stupid and bad at math. i got placed in a lower math than i needed to be in; got bored, stopped paying attention. knew i was in the “worst at math” group, started saying “i’m bad at math” and 100% stopped trying because the further i fell behind, the worse i got. through the rest of my academic career - until senior year in high school, i never got above a c on a math test, because i was “just bad” at math.
i had undiagnosed adhd. the only reason i know now i have adhd is because at 22 years old, i finally went to a therapist, who effectively said, “are you kidding me you have the most obvious case of attention deficit i’ve ever seen.”
but nobody had been looking. my one test grade had given teachers permission to not look, because, obviously, i was bad at math. the one time i got 100% on a math test - that one time in senior year - i remember my math teacher looking at it and saying “it’s clear that if you just focused, you could do the work.”
in college i’d take a math class and i actually “just focused” for the first time in my life - meaning i treated math as a challenge, but one i could overcome with the skills i’d learned all on my own, through constant work and practice. i got the highest grade in my class. i still think i’m bad at math.
which makes me wonder: how many people got fucked over because of something stupid like “i was too preoccupied with harry potter”. who had nobody looking out for them. who slipped under the radar because - come on, aren’t some people just bad at things?
my grandpa is always making fun of old people he sees like he’s not 85
he goes “wow today was old folks day at olive garden” i was like yeah grandpa that’s why we brought you there at 4:30pm
I read this in john mulaney’s voice
if you remember that life is fluid you’ll never feel stuck. nothing is the end all or your only option. when something ends it’s your time to start something new. it doesn’t matter how often doors close if you’re always moving forward. don’t dwell or try to open those old doors. the more you keep moving, the more you’ll see life is working in your favor.
this is my body
and i am terrified
of the space it takes up— Mary Lambert, from “Why I Slept With Makeup on for Five Years,” Shame Is an Ocean I Swim Across
i act like i don’t fucking care cause i’m so scared
lately i feel so unlovable, ugly and miserable again… a total failure, not meant to be alive and bound to suffer forever
Just because you have left that toxic situation, doesn’t mean you’re automatically healed and shouldn’t care anymore. It’s okay if you still care. Give it time to work through.
sorry for constantly oversharing my feelings , they were never acknowledged or listened to during my fundamental years as a child and adolescent
*in seductive voice* do you find my abandonment issues and unstable sense of identity sexy? *strips off clothes* i’m convinced you hate me and i don’t know who i am baby
god i hope no one thinks i’m straight
There is absolutely no shame in going to a mental hospital.
There is no shame in going to a doctor/psych to talk about how you feel physically and emotionally.
There is no shame in seeking help and ideas online.
There is never not ever ever ever any shame in taking care of yourself. No matter what form that takes, as long as it is helping you heal, there is ZERO things wrong with that.
